skylarking

The new Bruno Mars song, The Lazy Song was on the radio yesterday and prompted a conversation in the office about the vagaries of censorship.

There's a line in the song where he says that he is going to sit watching TV with his hand down his pants and the word 'pants' had been muted out. Later in the song there's a line that goes, "find a really nice girl, have some really nice sex" and the word sex was left in. How does that work then? The word pants is worse than the word sex and of the two words pants has to be removed to protect the masses (and the children of course, won't someone think of the children!)? Maybe because the having his hands down his pants line alluded to masturbation. So suggesting masturbation is worse than directly mentioning sex?

I don't understand the logic. Neither did anyone else in the office.

Things I have seen that have amused me
A lady on the training course I was on this morning had an Elvis Presley glasses case. I think I might like an Elvis Presley glasses case. Elvis during the early blue jeans, leather jacket, jailhouse rock years not the sequined jumpsuit, deep fired peanut butter and banana sandwiches years Elvis. Mercy!

~ Old people rock. A Saga cruise is chased by pirates and the passengers patiently wait until their ship has outrun them then go back to finish their meals. Keep calm and carry on indeed. I bet there were WI members on that ship.

~ I've been channelling Mary Stewart for the last couple of days. In The Secret Garden she says that when she was in India, before she met Dickon and the 'Creatures', if she had a headache she made sure that everyone else had one too and felt that this was perfectly right. I've had a headache for the last couple of days and, being the reasonable adult that I am, I've been tempted to stamp around shouting, "I have a headache! Everyone should feel sorry for me and bring me tea and a blankie! At once! Arggh!"
Where is the calming influence of Dickon and the robin when you need it? Or at the very least a bloody good Indian Head Massage?

~ I like the pub Bungalow and Bears, there are comfy sofas, nice staff and the macaroni and cheese (with bacon on top for £1 extra) is fantastic. The toilets also have really entertaining graffiti, including poetry by William Blake. I did notice that it had fallen from its usual standard last time I was in there: stall I was in had "Love you're c**t" scrawled on it. Now, I don't mind the profanity but the grammatical error bothers me. If I'd been carrying a red pen I might have had to correct it.

I am a bit grumpy

I had a weird apocalyptic dream last night involving explosions, lava and a dragon. My legs ached when I woke up, I think it must have been all the running from the dragon that did I; it was breathing fire everywhere so everyone had to get away sharpish. I'm not the only person who has apocalyptic dreams am I?

Things I have seen that amused me
On Friday a lady told her grandson that if he didn't stop messing around with the stapler on my desk I would tell Father Christmas that he had been naughty. I am the receptionist of Christmas Present :)

You can buy your own Tardis, sort of. Yorkshire Police are selling off some of their old Police Boxes. How much do you want to buy one and paint it blue?

Words my mobile doesn't have
Bobble.

I am restless

Quotes of the day

A good plan, violently executed now, is better than a perfect plan next week. ~ General George S. Patton

Why are we listening to a radio station that plays Chris de Burg? What's next, Barry Manilow??!?! ~ Me the other day

Real Radio is not always good. They were playing Lady in Red for goodness sake! I might have preferred Barry Manilow, or Manly Barilow as my aunt likes to call him, to that - I know all the words to Copacabana and Mandy (that might not be the kind of thing you're supposed to admit).

Things I have learnt
The Spoon Theory. I like it very much.

How to knit bobbles and that the bigger you make them the more they look like growths that need surgical intervention.

When I say that I don't fart because I am a lady nobody believes me. o_0

I am ditzy

Things I have seen that have amused me
I caught a leaf on the way to work the other day. I remember hearing that catching a leaf as it falls from a tree in autumn is lucky and I've been trying for years.

My doctor has a Viagra pen holder.

This cartoon on Hyperbole and a Half had me rolling around in my chair laughing.

Words my mobile phone's predicative text doesn't have:
Stripper, trolls (it has troll but not trolls) and Cumberbatch. I didn't expect it to have the last one but it tickled me, there is something very tickly about the name Cumberbatch. Cuuuuuumberbatcccccchhhhh.

Things that make me want to shoot myself
Appraisal paperwork: "Linked Planning Objective and expected individual and organisational benefit." That's not even in bloody English! FFS!

Quote of the day
Crazy bloke on the bus: (Talking about the David Cameron and the government) What's the name of that other bloke?
Me: Nick Clegg?
CBOTB: Yeah. His name is SATAN - that's who he is!!

Then

CBOTB: You know what I liked about the Labour party? They swept things under the carpet. And this things with the recession - they print money don't they, why can't they just pay it off?!?

I like that, that's genius, that's proper thinking. The government should just print enough money off to pay all its debits. Simples. Why has no one else thought of that? :)

I am blah

I am on trend. I know, I was amazed too.

I have been told that the boots I have on today are on trend because they are caramel and caramel is in this season. I thought the boots were brown, which is probably why if I ever am on trend it's by accident.

I've been thinking about making my journal friends only because of the whole cross posing to Facebook brouhaha. I'm not super paranoid about privacy but I'd rather my line manager wasn't able to click on a link to my journal where I complain about my job constantly. And I have my granddad as a friend on Facebook and him being linked here would just be weird and alarming. Where might I find a jazzy friends only banner?

Thing I have seen that has amused me
A 'to let' sign that someone had added a letter I to in red spray paint so that it said 'toilet'. It's nice to see that the classics are still being used.

Thing I have seen that has amused me
Two builders wandering past my desk grumbling about something:
Man 1: I wish he hadn't put it there
Man 2: Where?
M1: There. *Pause* There on the stair
M2: Where on the stair
M1: There on the stair
M2: Well I declare...

I am ditzy

As far as I can tell the month of June 2010 is totally full of fail. Fail fail fail.

Evidence:

I went to the orthodontist and they wanted to take a mould of my teeth which involved me biting down on a poop-a-scoop a full of play doh, the mould of my bottom teeth went fine but the top one hit my gag reflex. There is something very, very undignified about going, "bleeergghgghhhh" in front of a room full of people. Twice.

I went to give blood. I filled a form promising that I'm not an intravenous drug user and have never had malaria, settled onto the bed thing with my book, held out my arm and it was all going well until the nurse said, "Oh". She blew a vein, so instead of giving blood I had someone press down hard on my arm for a while and the developed a massive bruise. I still have it; I think it's going to last for a long time.

I keep losing things, forgetting how to type, spell, add up and use the alphabet, I forgot my colleagues surname on Friday, I put a tub of yoghurt in a cupboard and left my knitting at home on the sofa on Knitting in the Pub night.

And that's not everything. I don’t think I'm safe to be around. **

Thing I have seen that has amused me
T shirt in the window of the shop that says, "Sorry, I stopped listening to you."

Words my mobile doesn't have in its predictive text dictionary:
Plonk.

I've decided to instigate a new tag. It's going to be called Possible New Careers. I thought I'd note down possible new career paths as I think of them to be reviewed and compared at a later day. Feel free to offer suggestions.

My list of new careers so far includes:
Ninja
Beatnik
Beatnik ninja
Shepherd
Gardener - there are plenty of treatments for hay fever, it would be fine
Lollypop lady
One of the people that paint white lines on the road

**and it took me ~~three~~ four attempts to do this entry

I am blah

~ I watched Eurovision on On Demand because I am sad. I was embarrassed by my country’s entry. Seriously, Pete Waterman should not be allowed back into the UK for writing that pile of pants. I think he must have pulled it off the shelf he keeps all the songs Jason Donovan rejected in the late 80’s on, dusted it off and handed to the poor lad who had to stand up in front of millions of people and perform it. My favourite song was the Armenian song called Apricot Stone. They performed with a giant apricot stone on stage with them; it takes a special kind of crazy to do that. The half time act was good, you can’t go wrong with thousands of people across Europe dancing like idiots at the same time. (I like how all the other countries have a street full of people all doing the dance in perfect time with one another apart from the UK, where a big crowd of people just run toward the camera going, “raaahhhhh!” My country’s crapness amuses me, how we’re ever going to organise an Olympic games is anyone’s guess)

~Thing I have learnt
It is okay to start a sentence with the word and. Bill Bryson said so which means it must be true. And so I’m going to do it from now on.

~Thing I have seen that amused me
The book Doctor Zhivago shelved in the Z section of A-Z fiction in a charity shop.

I am okay

I finally have my Dylan!name. My mum is Grassy, because when you are nearly three years old Granny Christine is complicated to say. Auntie Eleanor is tricky too so I am now Nena.

Toby is too young to say anything so he mostly drooled on me.

I also witnessed the soothing power of Cheryl Cole. The video to her song Three Words can and does entrance small children. Toby loves it, when he gets fractious about going to sleep, which he does frequently because sleep is for losers, apparently, my sister puts the video and it totally hypnotises him. Strange boy.

Tired again today. I woke up at 4am this morning for no apparent reason then couldn't get back to sleep for ages. It was better than the night before though when some part of my brain decided it was important that I wake up every hour or so to check the time. My brain sucks sometimes.

Thing I have seen that amused me

A car air freshener called Pongo Starr

I am tired

Nelson Mandela was released from prison twenty years ago today.. I remember watching it on telly; me mum, sister and I sat down to watch it because it was a Moment In History. I can't believe it was twenty years ago, it makes me feel old :)

Things I have seen that have amused me
A van on the way to work this morning that had writing across the back doors. I can't remember exactly what it said but it went something like this:
"How am I driving? I'm sorry if I'm driving slowly, the reason is Sheffield roads and all the f****** potholes. Sheffield, the holy, holy city."

Passive aggressive washing up.
You may or may not have come across this in your workplace. What happens is someone goes up to the sink with all the cups and spoons dumped in it, fills it up with water and washing up liquid then walks away.

Someone did this at work the other day and I'm not sure what they were hoping to achieve; all that happens is that someone else comes along and pulls the plug out after the water goes cold. Whoever did it would have been better off pinning a note to the wall, ala PassiveAggressiveNotes.com, saying 'Your mother doesn’t work here you know!'

I actually did the washing up this afternoon; the sink area was starting to look like something out of The Young Ones.

I am blerg

Have I mentioned lately that I really, really don't like my job? Because I don't. Rahh!

However, there is the odd moment of amusement. Someone left a chisel behind after doing a maintenance job this morning and it was handed in as lost property so my colleague emailed the owner of the chisel to let him know where it is. The subject line of the email was: Your tool.

*Snort*

Am twelve, thanks for asking.

I am cranky

I have been compiling a list of the words that the predictive text on my mobile doesn't have. On the list so far are: ambiance, ninja, and antlers.

I think there might be some more words but I can't remember what they are. So far the list has been in my head which is never a reliable place to keep things.

I've always said that I would like a job naming paints. I think the names you see in the Homebase catalogue and such are hilarious: dusky rose sunset, hint of terracotta, freedom green etc. I would like to add that I'd also like the job of naming staplers.

I was looking at heavy duty staplers today, such is my lot, and it turns out that a many staplers are named. Being heavy duty staplers, the kind of staplers that a manly man would use if he was stapling a girder to a chunk of rock, they have butch manly names. Like Odysseys! Mercury! Gladiator! And my personal favourite, Goliath!

Of course in the interest of equal opportunities, girlie staplers have names too, like Bambi.

I think I'd go with animal names for my staplers, like Cricket for those little, little ones you can get and Rhino or Orca for the bigger ones. If I was naming staplers after animals I think it would be nice to have them coloured with animal print. How cool would a snake skin stapler be?

I think it's time I got off this train of thought...

I am ditzy

I saw the new wiggler over the weekend. It's very tiring being a 9 pound baby apparently. I had two lovely long snuggles with him and he was fast asleep with his little mouth open the whole time. He was heavy, I have no idea how he managed to fit inside my sister, no wonder she's been knackered for months.

I took a few photos which I will upload at some point in an effort to continue in my new occupation as an Aunty Bore :) .

Grump of the day: If I find who keeps breaking the photocopier then walking off without trying to fix it I am going to make them eat toner. Grrrr.

The problems haven't even been ones that are hard to fix, all you have to do is read the instructions on the screen! Double grrrrr.

Thing I have seen that has amused me
A box of cereal in Lidl called Nougat Pillows.

I am tired

~ It's amazing the difference two weeks holiday can make, I didn't feel the need to say, "Oh for God's sake!" at all at work today. We'll see how tomorrow goes...

~ I had boiled vegetables with my tea and have saved the water to use as a stock in something else. I have officially become my mother.

~ Due to a sudden, strange urge I'm moving my kitchen cupboards around some and have at the back of one cupboard I have just found a box of anti-depressants, a jar of coffee with the expiry date of August 06 (I don't drink coffee) an unopened packet of plain flour with an expiry date of June 08 and a small box of Thorntons' chocolates.

Thornton's chocolates!! :)
ETA My God I have a lot of tuppaware dishes, why do I have so many tuppaware dishes?

Thing I have learnt
Toothpaste for bee stings and vinegar for wasp stings

Thing I have seen that amused me
Skinny blond lad with a T shirt on that said "I heart bad girls" (with a heart rather than the word heart of course, I can never remember the html thingy to make a heart symbol). He didn't look like he was old enough to shave, I don't know what he would do if he actually met a bad girl.

Ridiculous attempt to make an everyday object sound butch and interesting by giving it at macho name of the day
Matador stapler.
Ole!

Euphemism of the day
Nodule.
Jean M. Auel you make me Lol

I am blah

Things that have amused me
An incy wincy spider has build a web between two packs of laminating pouches in the resources room

One of the people that arrived for a meeting this morning looked just like Mike from the Young Ones.

Thought of the day
Other people's salads always look nicer than your own.

The rest of the day isn't worth mentioning. I think there must be a full moon.

I am indescribable

Things I have seen that have amused me
On the way to work I walked past a girl who was having An Argument with someone on her mobile phone, as she walked past me I heard her say, "I'm a human being you know! Not a toy you can just throw away!" I thought she was doing really well being that resolute, especially at 7.30 in the morning.

On the way home from work I saw a middle aged man with a look of upper middle management about him, his job title is probably something like "Senior Business Process Analytical Developer". His mobile phone rang and the ring tone was You Fill Up My Senses.

Quote of the day
Never trust a computer you can't throw out of a window ~ Steve Wozniak

I am tired

Easter was jolly. I ate too much and slept in late. My sister's inside baby and outside baby (as we've taken to calling them) are doing well.

Dylan enjoyed his birthday, we went to a soft play place and he spent a good 4 hours running around going, "Aaaahahaha!" He particularly liked the ball pool - he liked jumping into it and kicking at the balls and he liked putting all the balls that had fallen out of the pool back into it, he's a tidy child :) .

I've been thinking and have decided that he speaks Lolcat. When he wants some more of something he holds up a finger and announces, "Moar!" - "Moar cake!" I'm going to have to teach him to say fail and srys bizness.

I've also decided that children's programmes are weirdly hypnotic. I bought him a Lazytown DVD (Moar Town!) for his birthday and when my sister put it on I couldn't look away. It was loud and fast and colourful and completely nuts and I kept finding myself staring at it. Who writes that stuff?

The cups of tea I have made for myself today have been lousy. I think I must be coming down with something.

Thing I have ~~seen~~ thought that amused me
There was a little article in the Metro I read on the train about an artist who has done an exhibition with photos of horses with manes styled to look like human hair - they've been straightened and put into little braids and so forth - the article said that the artist often works with hair and for his next projects is planning to do something with beards. I read that and thought, "So we can expect some nice pictures of Katie Holmes then" and smiled in a smug type of way at my own witticism. Drollness, I has it. :P

I am blank

Tired.

Partly because it's been a long week but mostly because I stayed up past my bedtime last night watching the final episodes of Battlestart Galactica.

In about 5 minutes I'm bolting out of here down to the train station to travel home for Easter where my only plan it to make sure I have a second cup of tea every morning. Being easily pleased is the best way to be...

Thing I have seen that amused me
A brown fabric reusable bag with a slogan that said, "I'm fantastic not plastic"

You ain't nothing but a hound dog

A list of stuff

You can't walk there, it's lava!

You came and you stopped me from shaking, but I turned you away...

Parp!

I love this icon

:)

All aboard the Failboat

Nil points

Yawn

Polite notice: F**k off

Fnar

Dictionary, stationery

Turns the milk...noughty...?

Move stuff and ye shall find

Little things pleasing little minds

Down came the rain and washed the spider out

Fun with mobile phones

No one's lazy in Lazytown

There must be someway out of here...

Wise Words

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